Who wears a wallet chain?!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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