so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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