I think I died a long time ago.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
