i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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