So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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