My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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