oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
