I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Girls should come with a carfax report
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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