i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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