I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
40s are totally the cure
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
