Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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