the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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