Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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