I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
