look no pants
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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