FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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