Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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