Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
