guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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