The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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