Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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