apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
