and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
