1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am one with the molecules
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
