and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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