if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
ok first of all what the fuck
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