i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
