I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
