I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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