I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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