I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
