Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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