I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
