Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
