Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
