he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think your dad took our porno
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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