The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
