My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
