I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
