My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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