Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
