i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
