i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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