there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
