My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
