I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
