I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
