i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
