this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
