I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize