Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
