ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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