Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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