remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
