I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
