This is not my ceiling
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
