Who wears a wallet chain?!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize