I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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