i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
