Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
