Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
