the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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