curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
