oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
