You really coming over, don't trick.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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