My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
