Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
