well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
