Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
