So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
