I just threw up on my dentist
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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